What Not To Say

What not to say, and what to do if someone says it.

I had been back at work for maybe 2 hours after being away for 2 weeks, post D Day. I knew it would happen. It did happen. “How was your holiday” she asked. Knowing this would happen I had considered my options. Lie lie deny, or hard truth. It was at work, so lyng wasn’t possible so hard truth it was!

“I wasn’t on holiday, unfortunately my Dad died” I tried to say in the most warm way possible (it was not warm). Her face dropped and her hands went to her face in shock. I was quick to laugh it off, save us both from the relaity of what she had asked and what I had said.

This is one of those situations that will happen to anyone who has been absent from work for any sort of unfortunate event. It’s a situation played out in comedies so often; the forever unfortunate protagonist who no one pays attention to, the other is the oaf like manager to doesn’t pay any attention to his employees. The reality is much more inoccent, and there are multiple victims.

It would be easier if I could wear some kind of sign. Maybe a sash or something more festive. Even then someone would miss the memo and ask “what a lovely sash, where did you get it?” and you would have to watch another person deflate as you tell them the truth. You will walk away knowing that you now have a starring role in one of their memory show reels, Stupid Things I Said: Greatest Hits. You know the kind that plays on repeat at 2am in the morning and reminds you of every stupid thing you ever said.

I want to make a public announcement to everyone who has ever felt they said the wrong thing to someone bereaved. PLEASE DO NOT FEEL BAD. It cannot be avoided, we know it will happen, you may have been the first, if so thanks for the training. You might be the 10th, if so thanks for the practice.

If you are bereaved and no one has said anything silly to you yet, you are lucky; but do be prepared. Prepare yourself not to get offended and to be able to handle your emotions at the time. Keep in mind that the person may feel terrible and you may need to control not only your emotions but also be able to help with theirs.

Managing others emotions was something I was expecting. When you have bad news to share, you have a responsibility to the people you are sharing it with to support them with the information you have just dumped on them.

They will go through a couple of stages in quick succession, the shock and denial (how, when, why questions), they will give an immediate socially acceptable response “I’m so sorry, my condolences”. They will ask you how you are coping and importantly there is only one response you can give them which is “ok”. They are at this stage not asking how you are for your benefit, they are asking for their own. They need to know you are ok to allow them to process and to accept the news. How they respond next really depends on the person but often looks alot like pity. It’s the bit I least like, feeling someone’s pity and knowing it is in part justified is not fun.

I will end on two pieces of advice.

1) when speaking to someone bereaved don’t feel like you have to say something about it, take the lead from them. We may be despirate for a normal conversation about the weather. If you do want to say something don’t be affraid of what you will say, we understand and know you mean well.

2) If you are bereaved then remember to be gentle to those around you who may not be so comfortable with the topic. Experimenting with being direct or sarcastic when someone says something could really hurt them. Be prepared to be the bigger person and to support and comfort.

Deep breath, keep smiling

L

Escape!

Find your escape. It will save you.

In my previous post, how grief feels, I tried to explain just how awful greif is, not that anyone thought it felt nice. What I didn’t do is give any coping strategies, so here is one. Escape!

By escape, I don’t mean run away from. I just mean a few minutes of forgetting, giving your mind a break. A small distraction that allows you to feel ok.

What you escape to is up to you, I am not recommending escaping to the bottom of a bottle on a regular basis. What I am talking about is a quick, easy access way to escape, such as a TV show, book or music. Something you can reach for at 2am when you need to sleep.

When making your choice of escape materials, let it choose you, but keep these things in mind.

Avoid triggers, if you are considering a book or TV series consider if it has any triggers for you.

Find quantity, if you fall in love with a book and finish it too soon you may feel bereaved all over again, look for something with quantity such as a prolific author or a 27 series TV show.

Keep it light hearted. Something light bright and fun should do it, but it does need to be bold enough to keep your attention at the darkest hour.

Think outside the box. My escape was and still is Kpop (clever people will have spotted it by the picture, 10 points for guessing which group). Yes that’s right Korean pop music. Hear me out, it has a logic. Kpop is wildly different from anything I have seen or heard before. It’s got so much quantity, your favourite idol group will release between 3 and 5 new tracks a year and churn out more video content than you can keep up with. Korea also has the best crap TV shows we have seen since the 90’s. They are sickly sweet, impossibilly positive and the best escape for me.

Asian bubble gum pop may not be for everyone but find something that is yours to escape to.

Deep breath, keep smiling.

L

How Grief Feels

How does Grief feel? Shit. Sorry Mum. Shit is all it is.

I lost my Dad. My Dad passed away. My Dad died. These are words I have said in my head or out loud for 356 days. I have a confession that those words don’t make sense. I didn’t lose him, he left. He hasn’t passed anywhere he is gone. The last one is true he did die, but good ole’ denial likes to take charge with that one.

Losing my Dad is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and it hurts more than words can possibly describe. Grieving is the most complicated and confusing things that I have ever felt. You can’t run away from it, classic coping mechanisms don’t work and it doesn’t follow any logical pattern. The most scary part of grief is it is often unconscious, bubbling under the surface of your mind, tricking you and weaving it into every part of your being. I am me and I am bereaved.

There also appears to be no light at the end of the tunnel, I am almost a year in and I think I am beginning to understand what people mean when they say that you never get over it, you just learn to live with it. It becomes a part of you.

Well that was jolly wasn’t it? I’m afraid most of this won’t be, you can’t smooth over or talk around a death. Its final and that’s that. This has been the hardest part of grief and grieving for me, the fact you can’t talk your way out of it. I’ve had upsets and disappointments in my life – failed interviews and rejections, poor exam results and failure, parents divorced and elderly grandparents gone. Most of these upsets can be sated with a small pep talk, or a hard lesson learned. That job wasn’t right for you. You didn’t revise hard enough, try harder next time. My parents are happier with other people. My grandparents lived long and happy lives.

Let’s have a go with this situation. My Dad is dead. It was meant to be. He didn’t deserve you. You will find a better one… nope those don’t fit, let’s try some more. He is in a better place. He isn’t suffering anymore. He is still with you. None of these work either. I don’t believe in heaven. He shouldn’t have been suffering in the first place. I hate the thought of him seeing me so upset.

The only thing that would possibly make me feel better is if someone could tell me he is coming back. And they can’t. I have to sit here and let the searing pain of losing my Daddy just happen, I can’t sooth myself out of it. The pain feels white hot. The facts are that nothing I can do will bring him back. Something I didn’t choose has happened to me and I am left to deal with the fall out. Grief feels shit.

Let me let you into a secret, I feel all of the feelings above whilst at the same time being happy.

Yes you read correctly. It is possible to feel something so stark and hard and still be happy.

The human mind and body is phenomenal. I have begun to truly believe that. If you have experienced a bereavement, I am so incredibly sorry. You are part of a club of people who have coped with the impossible. You know that saying “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger” is true. I unfortunately have an insight into what we are all capable of.

It is only this knowledge, that it is possible, that allows me to keep going. I can cope and am coping with this. It is possible to feel lost and destroyed and at the same time feel fulfilled and strong. Trust yourself. You are superhuman.

Deep breath, keep smiling.

L

Top Tips: Surviving the First 4 Weeks

When I say “surviving” for the first 4 weeks, that’s exactly what you will be doing. If you are grieving over a biggy (death of a love one etc) the first few weeks are all about survival.

Here are my tips for surviving the first 4 weeks of grief.

1.Cry in the shower

When I imagined a loved one dying (don’t well all?), I imagined you spent all of the fist few days crying. For me this wasn’t the case, instead I cried once a day, in the shower. The first few days you won’t be left alone very long, people will fuss over you, pack your day with activities and any second that someone isn’t saying “try to eat a bite” or “you will enjoy the fresh air” you will most likely be sleeping (bonus tip, naps are a god send).

For me the grief was initially overwhelming and numbing, it was simply too much to think about all at once. All I could manage were a few moments of crying a day, and by manage I mean had no choice over at all. Crying became a pressure release, a steam valve. Why the shower? Showers are already hot, steamy and wet, like your tears, no one rushes at you with tissues and you can’t stay in a shower forever.

Whether you choose to cry in the shower or not, remember to spend a few minutes each day giving yourself permission to let go a little, don’t worry you can’t cry forever. I have tested this theory personally.

2. Trust the professionals

If you are one of the lucky people who get to combine grief with responsibility, congratulations, it’s going to suck. Just when you want to crumble and break down you will have to do some of the most “grown up” and responsible things you have ever done.

My only advice for this is to trust the professionals. Death is a fact of life and therefore a business opportunity and a profession, there are a lot of people who deal with death and all its ramifications on a daily basis.

Hospital workers will inform you of next steps and hand you all of the paper work you need to register a death. The registrars office will tell you everything you need to bring and will guide you through the whole process. Don’t be afraid to ask if you are not sure. Funeral directors are amazing, they deal with almost everything and can advise you on everything else. Use these people and put your faith in them. Don’t attempt to take on this burden alone.

When you do all of these things they will feel surreal and wrong. Take time after doing one of these big tasks, give yourself a pat on the back, you are super human.

3. Lean on those around you

I’m 26 and just starting to feel grown up. Dealing with grief and bereavement is not the time to practice being an independent woman. I make no apologies for allowing my Mum to butter my toast and hold my hand in the first few weeks after D Day (lets call it that). You need babying you need someone to lean on. Short of winding me my Mum became my primary carer again. You will be able stand on your own two feet in time, but you don’t have to right at this second.

People around you will offer support and help. Even some people you don’t know well. Don’t be afraid of saying yes. Don’t be afraid of saying no, that’s also allowed.

4. You are allowed.

What ever you want to do, you are allowed.

Stay in bed all day, you are allowed

Eat nothing, you are allowed (just eat something another time)

Shout at someone, you are allowed (just say sorry later)

Go back to work a week after D day walk around like a zombie and not remember where you put an important package, you are allowed (this one is from experience)

Get the picture? You are the most important person at the moment, put yourself first, you are allowed.

5. It won’t get better. Yet.

I am sorry I don’t have better news but the fist 4 weeks are only the beginning. It unfortunately won’t get better straight away, it may even get a bit worse.

When times get hard again, come back to the basics. Cry in the shower, trust the professionals, lean on someone and remember you are allowed.

Deep breath, keep smiling.

L

Good Grief

Welcome to good grief!

Good grief! What a saying, very English very tame. What about grief, very not British… practically insane. (Sorry I promise not to rhyme..all the time.. no really I will stop..or not.) Right where was I? Forgetting something, yep that sounds right. Not sure what to write, but I need to write something. That sounds about right too. Why I am writing here? Well the title is a little ambiguous but I am grieving. I’m not sure exactly what that means by the way, maybe we can find out together.

I have quite alot I feel I need to share, all based on my own experiences, all unfiltered and hopefully useful to anyone else grieving.

Deep breath, keep smiling.

L